Are we having fun yet? That one-liner is our generation’s cultural code phrase for “this is a real bummer.” I wish I’d had it in my vocab arsenal in our early years of marriage.

Cheri and I started this “til death do us part” journey over 50 years ago; we didn’t have the lifetime road map for the entire epic, starting out. Good thing: she would have had enough sense to have said “sayonara!” while there was still time. We were both in the dark about putting two lives together with Super Glue; if she’d only known what followed, I’ve got to believe she would have explored her options. 

Within months of the start of our marriage, our first big “test” was calendared. They held the exam on a holiday; it coincided with the fourth Thursday of November, 1971.

Most newlywed couples spend their early year holidays doing the Mashed Potato Marathon, driving from extended-family compound to extended-family compound on the same day, loading the freeways with “what are we doing here” traffic. That was us: no turkey was ever cooked in our apartment kitchen; we joined “the families” – separately – for the “main event.”

Talk about contrasts: heaven and hell, on the same day. Two studies in family dynamics, fit for a research project, but experienced real-time, by people who were “lifers” at each table. Her brood was huggin’ and kissin’ all year long, so the Thanksgiving feast changed the menu in the middle, with no need to fane fondness. 

My tribe had internal conflict brewing 24/7/365; a tense “truce” brought the parties to the table long enough to clear the candied yams and pass the potatoes before resuming the sniper fire and updating the body counts. I remember the first time I brought my bride into that battlefield; wish I’d known the question-of-the-day: Are we having fun yet?

Somewhere along the line, we changed the game plan. We determined to no longer be the vagabond Gypsies, pulled down the interstate with the promise of a “free” meal.” We did a change-up: we became the hosts. Nowadays, kids and grandkids come to us. What was the big difference?

We changed the dynamics around our family table by following a blueprint to rebuild our family to look more like her childhood model than mine. What were some of the intentional adjustments that followed?

Relationships are conversations, interrupted. When you’re speaking, the relationship is either getting better or worse, depending on what’s being said! When the conversation stops, the relationship is on hold, until resumed. You build your human connections, using words as your construction materials. 

For the next few weeks, it will be the Close-Relationships Play-Offs. From Thanksgiving ’til Super Bowl, you’ll be parked around tables with your most significant others, and it will be heaven or hell for you, too. How can you put paradise on the playbill for those encounters?

Here are three bundles of words that could change the score in your relational encounters:

Be sure to say please, and thank you. Not just when you pass the gravy, but in conjunction with every request. It’s easy to make demands; it’s different when you operate without a sense of entitlement, and cultivate genuine gratitude and graciousness. Ask, don’t tell.

Whenever necessary, say I’m sorry and Forgive Me. When you get big-people together, you bring out boundary issues. When you step over the line and get the flag, don’t dispute the call: say you’re sorry, and ask forgiveness. The Scriptures call that repentance.

Don’t forget to verbalize: I Love You. Those are the extra-point words that add the game-winning margin. You don’t start with the extra-point kick, you finish with it. Leave Please/Thank You/I’m Sorry/Forgive Me out, and I Love You will be a joke. Prove it first, then, declare it. It will be believable, and it will be transforming. You wouldn’t believe how many people live parched lives, longing to be loved while never hearing what they need to hear most.

Most people will be preoccupied with the turkey on the table. Take some time to consider the turkeys around the table and transform your Thanksgiving kick-off to the year-end season.

Relationships are conversations: I’m grateful to have this ongoing conversation with you at the start of every week. It keeps our relationship alive and well; feel free to leave a comment below to weigh-in as well!

Bob Shank

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